tick tock tick tock . . .

dang it, just gotta post this . . .

i’m not a “24” fan; i watched a few episodes of it, but i couldn’t really follow the episodes since i didn’t watch it from the beginning.  but i do get the Jack Bauer character.  so when i was blog surfing & i came across some Jack Bauer jokes at the tall horse wines blog, i was laughing hard.  for fans of “24”, i share the top 50 Jack Bauer facts with you.

if you wanna look at the entire top 100 bauer facts, go to http://www.notrly.com/jackbauer/index.php?topthirty.

• Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn’t escape and nearly drowned.

• The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

• There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer’s right hand and Jack Bauer’s left hand.

• Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.

• If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan, the movie would have been called “1”.

• It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.

• Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.

• Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never “attempts” murder.

• Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

• When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied, “What does ‘afraid’ mean?”

• Jack Bauer never retreats; he just attacks in the opposite direction.

• When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

• Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

• Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a “knock knock” joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the g*&d$#@! bomb was.

• When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

• If Jack Bauer gives you his word that you’ll get your deal, then he really means it. Unless you killed David Palmer. Then you’re f~*ed.

• There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

• On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

• On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.

• Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It’s because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

• The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer.

• Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.

• When Jack Bauer was told smiling increases your face value, he said not speaking increases your life span.

• Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, “I have them right where I want them.”

• If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.

• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

• Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

• Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

• Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer’s mind. Now he’s sitting in a wheel chair.

• Jack Bauer’s sperm come in 9mm, .40, and 12 gauge slug.

• Only Jack Bauer can singlehandedly start World War III between the Russians, Chinese and United States…over Audrey Raines.

• Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner, but to save time he now just acts as executioner.

• The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

• Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.

• If a suspect mentions your name while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.

• There is a deeper reason that Kim will not forgive Jack. For years during her birthday and Christmas when Kim would look for presents Jack would just laugh to himself before finally telling her, “I give you my word.”

• If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.

• Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Jack Bauer.

• There’s one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.

• When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

• Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a b#$%*. He proceeded to wrestle an alligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.

• Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.

• Gredanko cut off his own arm rather than face Jack Bauer again. The fact speaks for itself.

• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Jack Bauer can kill 100% of whatever the f~* he wants.

• Jack Bauer doesn’t have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It’s basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer’s PC. Ever.

• Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

• Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

• Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

• …and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, “I’ll take it from here.”

• There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

of course, with keifer sutherland’s recent assault charge being dropped by a judge, there should be a new one that says,

“No one sues Jack Bauer.  Right after you spend all that money filing a lawsuit against Jack Bauer, you realize immediately he will come and shoot you in the face.  Then you gotta waste more money dropping the lawsuit so Jack Bauer will just shoot you.”